GRIEF IN THE MIDDLE OF UNCERTAINTY | PART TWO

By Nick Coniglio | MA, M.DIV, ALC

Part 2: Reframing (or Renewing) Our Mind

It cannot be put seriously enough, for those who are in Christ, our identity is not found in jobs, parenthood, or economic status. As sons and daughters of Christ, our titles read “heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ” (Rom. 8:7). Rest assured, our eternity rests on the life, death, and resurrection of Christ. Perhaps a better way to describe this new sense of self identity for the days ahead is to exhort one another to live differently than we feel tempted to live.

The Apostle Paul writes, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is . . . ” (Rom. 12:2). In order to assist in reframing our mind for the days ahead, let’s review relevant stages of grief here.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, poses six various “needs” for those mourning loss. For our purposes here, it would be appropriate to modify each need to fit our specific circumstances.

For example, if you are a healthcare worker, you may be grieving the perceived loss of ‘providing safety’ to your children after coming home from a shift. If you are currently unable to be in the physical presence of other loved ones out of precaution, you may be grieving the loss of physical presence. Or if you have or are anticipating job loss, you may grieve a sense of financial security for your family. All loss can feel heart wrenching. Below are the modified needs and examples for how to assist in reframing (or renewing) our mind.

Acknowledge the reality of the loss. This entails coming to terms that things will not quite be the same, even if only for a season. Reflect on this sobering truth.
Embrace the pain of the loss. Your emotions are valid. This is an important one; do not sweep your fears and anxieties under the rug. The Lord wants to hear every one of them, and as you feel each emotion, bring them before Him. Wrestle with them yourself. It is normal to feel multiple things at the same time: anger, sadness, confusion, and even joy. Take a few moments to think about your feelings and give yourself the freedom to have them!
Remember the actual circumstances around the loss. Wolfelt describes this as having a “relationship with the memory.” It is okay to remember the loss and all the memories with it.
Develop a new self-identity. After working through the above steps, we can now separate ourselves from what we have just worked through and what we have experienced and begin to envision who we want to be moving forward. One personal example is limiting the amount of media I follow. I do not want to remember this period for the amount of time I spent on news, social media outlets, or even Netflix. I desire to be something different, and it causes me to ask myself, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, “Who am I supposed to be now?”
Search for meaning. We may find ourselves in a situation wishing things were different. Therefore, asking, “why me?” and, “how could God let this happen?” is appropriate. The Psalms are filled with honest laments before God. As Christ did at the cross, quoting from one of the Psalms, I think we too can ask, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt. 27:46). These are solid questions. I am grateful to say God hears them, but experience tells us, His answers can be unexpected and only when we are ready to hear them. It is easiest to look back and say, “I see now.” Nevertheless, ask the questions, “why?” and “how?”
Receive ongoing support from others. Lastly, you MUST ignore the appearance that we are alone in this. Reach out to others who you know you can count on. Or if you find yourself not knowing who you can talk to, take a chance and talk to someone who might be able to empathize with you. Despite Satan’s attempts to cause us to feel isolated, I am certain of this, you are NOT alone.

Working through these needs in the days ahead is a circular process. New insights and losses might occur, and we might have to adjust back to an earlier need.

Uncertainty lies ahead for all of us in this time, but honestly, we always face uncertainty, as we never know what each day may bring. The old adage tells us, the only constant is change. It is time to be proactive, practice some preventative self-care in small doses, and empower one another to mentally prepare for the days ahead.

Read Part 1 of this two-part feature here.

Sources for Parts 1 and 2:

COVID-19: Our Brains, Our Bodies, Our Trauma, Part 1: This is Your Brain on Stress

COVID-19: Our Brains, Our Bodies, Our Trauma. Part 2. Part 2: Get Regulated

The Neurosequential Network: https://vimeo.com/399257746/70cde06ca0

The Six Needs of Mourning, Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD