Finding Healing After an Affair
FINDING HEALING AFTER AN AFFAIR
Rhett McKenzie | MAMFC, LPC, NCC
When there has been an extramarital affair, there are numerous issues that surface in the aftermath. A few of these issues usually include loss of trust, loss of intimacy, previous trauma potentially being triggered, as well as a roller coaster of emotions.
One of the main misconceptions is that these issues are a result of the affair, when in reality, many of these issues are present in the marriage before an affair ever happens. Often times the affair is a way for the person to try to fulfill a need they feel is not being met within the marriage.
In several cases, these issues in the marriage are what leads to an affair. However, there may be times when a marriage partner has sexual integrity issues and commits adultery motivated from a cycle of addictive, frequently self-defeating behaviors. Many times these behaviors are motivated by shame-based impulses that have literally nothing to do with their current relationship.
Regardless of why the affair happened, there is healing that can be found in the aftermath.
SEEKING RECONCILIATION
When a couple is seeking to reconcile their marriage, there are a few things that are helpful for each to do. First, each individual needs to take some time to grieve the loss of what it was they expected their marriage to be.
When a couple enters a marriage, they tend to have unrealistic expectations of what that marriage will look like, and then reality hits. Life gets busy with jobs, kids, and any curve balls that life tends to throw at us. When expectations aren’t met, then a lack of communication can be persistent, which is usually accompanied with a lack of intimacy (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual).
It is important for a couple to grieve the loss of a marriage they thought they were going to have at the beginning of their wedded bliss. While in the grieving process, it is also important to deal with the roller coaster of emotions in a healthy way, as well as any previous trauma that is triggered by the affair.
Another step a couple needs to take is working to understand their part in what happened. While the affair is inexcusable, both parties must seek to understand how they each contributed to the affair, no matter how small their contribution was.
This brings us back to the main reason affairs occur, which is that one or both individuals are seeking to have needs met outside the marriage that they feel are not being met within the marriage.
In order to do this, both individuals need to learn how to communicate better and more openly, as well as to learn how to be more vulnerable with each other in their communication. They need to be willing to discuss needs they feel aren’t being met, as well as to be open to learn from each other of how they can better meet each other’s needs.
EVALUATING THE COURSE
In order for a marriage to have reconciliation in the aftermath of an affair, each individual needs to be willing to look at where things got off course. If I get on a plane from Atlanta to Hawaii and the plane gets off course by one degree, then I will never reach my final destination if I don’t recognize I am off course. It is very easy for marriages to get off course with the day-to-day grind, and over time, that one degree turns into being way off course for the final destination God desires for our marriages.
One of the most important things to keep in mind and to cling to during reconciliation in the aftermath of an affair is the fact that if God can resurrect Jesus Christ from the grave, then He most certainly has the power and desire to resurrect a “dead” marriage when we are willing to work alongside Him in the healing process.
In Max Lucado’s book, You’ll Get Through This, he shares, “You'll get through this. It won't be painless. It won't be quick. But God will use this mess for good (Romans 8:28). In the meantime don't be foolish or naïve. But don't despair either. With God's help you will get through this." I love Lucado’s definition of despair—“believing pain has no purpose, no solution, and no end.”
I echo his encouragement not to despair and to trust God’s help in getting through this season. All of the aftermaths of an affair that a couple will experience can be healed, and with hard work and commitment, it is possible that a couple can experience an even healthier marriage after an affair than they had before the affair.